I’ll tell you why I hate you because I love you

Meditations, personal development courses, workshops, retreats, circles, tantras, retreats, books on spirituality, podcasts, articles. Anything that leads to „growth”, forward, development, one step further on the road to „enlightenment.” For further, for more, for there to be no emptiness, because I am doing something developmental. Are you familiar with it? I know it very well. My last few years are about that. And yes, my life is changing. It’s better, it’s lighter. My quality of life is improving. People in my path are shuffling. There are those who really see me and not what I do. I have more freedom, more love, more awareness.

However, there is a part of me that is forgotten, hidden, and my whole life has been an attempt to mask this part of me from the world. I’ve created a lot of mechanisms and strategies so that this part can live while remaining invisible. This is the part of me that unconsciously controlled me for most of my life, even when it seemed to me that I already saw, know and feel so much.

It’s a shadow. The darkest side of my being, hiding hatred, lust for destruction and everything that is against life. Being with other people on the path of discovering my shadow, I learned many ways in which it can manifest itself. Often, they are very sublime, so much so that it seems that nothing of the sort is happening. It could be eating junk food, scrolling through instagram, having sexual fantasies about someone without telling them, eating and watching TV at the same time, constantly changing decisions, being superior, being constantly busy, talkative, talking about someone who is absent, complaining, dressing extravagantly, resetting the alarm clock, delaying paying bills, flirting, blaming the system/government, interrupting, thinking about chocolate, watching TV for hours, making stories about other people, constantly complimenting others, and much more. I will not mention the direct ones, such as judging, being a victim, sarcasm, jealousy, etc., because each of you probably feels it. The price I pay for my shadow conditioning my behavior is very high. The cost is intimacy, closeness and connection.

In the Possibility Management trend, this part is called the Gremlin. I already know that in all these „light” years of development, I missed working with the darkest part of me. I’m in the process of transforming my Gremlin, getting to know him, discovering him, talking to him. If I don’t manage my Gremlin, he will manage me. I get to know its most hidden goals, I try to understand it, see it in a broader perspective. And I honor that it is, because it is thanks to him that I am here. He gave me power and created hundreds of strategies that hurt others but kept me alive. And now that I can, I’m reconnecting with him. First of all, I don’t want to hide it. I give him space and feed him. If I don’t feed him, he will feed himself, without my awareness. There’s no way he’ll disappear. This is part of me. My gremlin will cease to exist when I cease to exist. Moreover, this is the part of me that has great creativity. So when I consciously invite her into my life, I open myself to new possibilities and ways of manifesting myself in the world.

My experience over the last few weeks is that the way to get close and intimacy with another person is to show your darkest shadow. Coming out of the basement and showing off your worst dirty laundry. Full exposure. And even though I feel a tsunami of fear shaking my body every time, I do it. Because I’m here to connect with others. I want to be whole and I want to be whole with others. This is my freshly paved road to connection that I share with you.

I want you to experience the same. That’s why I invite you to experiment. Find someone close to you. Tell her about the concept. Ask if I want to take part in a dangerous experiment with you. If he agrees, ask each other:

What really pisses me off about you? What do I hate about you that pushes me to think badly of you/wish you badly/get away from you/use you, etc.?

Put on the table what you are most afraid to say. Remember that this is a part of you, not the whole of you.

Each of us has this part and almost all of us hide it.

My experience is that when I share this with others, even people I don’t know much… magic happens. An extraordinary space opens up where we can see and hear each other without judging. A space where I can receive this person with love, whole, not just a piece that wants to be seen. A space where I feel I can be myself. A space where I can stand „naked” with all my „flaws” in front of another person. And that’s what intimacy and intimacy are about for me. And I don’t need to take further „development” steps to feel fulfilled and connected, to feel a different dimension of being. I need courage and sensitivity in being with another person.

I encourage you to experiment and would love to hear your experience. And if you are afraid that you will hurt someone, I invite you to do it with me! I want to get to know you better and create magic with you.

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