I’ve been searching for these answers since I was pregnant with my first child 4 years ago. I have observed and experienced parenting where everything looks fine from the outside. There is a home, parents, trips, cool clothes and toys, and at the same time deep inside there are unmet needs for love and connection, belonging, recognition, adventure, or security. And I know something else is possible. I know that childhood is possible when these needs are met first, creating space for these little big beings to fully manifest themselves in their potential and the quality with which they came here to Earth.
Children have full access to their feelings. They use them to act according to their soul. Our task as adults is to create a space for children where their inner needs are met and where they can freely and safely express their feelings. Children tell us by their behavior what needs they want to satisfy. Our role is to read this information. If we do not give the child the space to express what they feel, the information will not flow. Their needs will not be met and this insatiability will accompany them in adult life. Then they will not be able to be present in the here and now because this unfulfilled need, like an invisible thread, will bring them back again and again to childhood. Such an „adult” person will enter the state of the child’s ego. And I have seen it many times in myself and in others that we „adult” parents enter the child’s ego state when we are with our children. We want to spend time with them, we want to be developmental, conscious parents. We offer them various games and interactions. But are we really with them or next to them? When building Lego blocks with your child, are you really with him, in his curiosity, in following him, or do you have your own goal? You may have just entered the child’s ego state yourself. Then you are not an adult who is present in the here and now with your child and you probably do not feed him and his need for love, you only feed the need for adventure of the child’s state in which you are. And this is a trap because you will never feed this need again, because you will never go back to childhood. What you can do is heal the wound of unfulfilled need.
When your child expresses anger in the middle of the street, how do you feel? Are you able to hold his space and be with him until the wave of emotions flows to the end and he snuggles himself into your arms? Or do you feel the tension and use different strategies to end the scene as quickly as possible? If so, then you are not an adult. You are in the state of a child’s ego who feels fear when he sees someone next to him getting angry.
I choose to follow the children because what is most precious to me is the gold they have inside. What are you choosing?
If you are curious about your child and want to discover what treasures he or she has inside, follow them (as long as it is safe to do so) during playtime, regardless of what they find interesting. As an adult, keep space for the feelings your child experiences. When conflicts arise, be present and at the same time suppress your impulses to rescue, find solutions or make things „good again for everyone”, even if the child hurts himself. Just be there, provide presence with your nervous system so that it „holds on” and wait for the emotional wave to pass. In my experience, a key part is that we adults get out of the way with our emotional fears, victim stories, judgments, and tensions.
Children are close to the Source. They know what and how to do. Just let them be as they are.